Am I a woman? Rediscovering my femininity through spiritual practices In the last years - hard to say how many - I had forgotten who I was! Theoretically, of course, it was clear enough. I was a woman, a divorced mother, an eternal student, a traveler and, most of the times, someone’s partner. My life was full, or so I thought, of many things, maybe too many…I thought I was happy, although now, with hindsight, it would be more accurate to say that I was busy with exciting endeavors, which I had brought into my life to feel full and, most of all, not to be alone with myself as, when this happened, I would be filled with a sense of loss, emptiness and, sometimes, despair. . . It was my last relationship which, by causing me a lot of pain, brought me one day to say aloud: “ I am no longer a woman! I am more like a man!” I, then, had begged my boy-friend, a very well domesticated, unemployed and charming ‘house-husband’ to work out together a solution, because I was a suffocating. He answered that to go out to work and to be the ‘man’ of the house was not in his plans. He had ice in his eyes: no discussion! As no-one else could rally to pay the bills, I thought I had no choice: I continued as if I had not heard my inner voice shouting for the liberation of my femininity. Besides, how could I chuck him out and, a least, regain the freedom of being quite in my own space, as he had not even one penny to survive?! I was trapped!!! I found myself in front of a brick wall….!!! I felt strangled and kept captive in a home, which was no longer a home, but a slave dump!!! For many more years, unable to see a solution, whilst carrying in my whole being the pain of seeing myself growing older and wither as a leaf in late autumn, lost to laughter and even to false happiness and optimism, I carried on, hoping that a miracle that could free me from this prison would happen. With ‘miracle’ I was more thinking of some kind of illness, which could solve the problem…’naturally’! A miracle, indeed, happened, but rather than being a deadly illness, it came as a spiritual school with lots of different paths of search. Although I had seen in the program that it offered classes for women, for a long time I stayed away from it, or rather, to be hoest, I put a lot of effort into carefully avoiding it as much as possible. What could I do there? I was no longer eighteen and certainly reconnecting with my feminine principle and materializing it in real life, would be hard work, too close to the bone, to this incredible old pain which stagnated in my cells and made me not even want to have a full length mirror in my house. To see what, after all? The feminine ‘I’? Forget it! This had to stay …past history! Besides, it was too late, I was too old for this kind of things! As I carried on studying at the school and became more committed to the development of my essential being and, naturally, of its feminine reality, I started to feel more at ease with it: firstly by observing more and more how it could be, then by playing occasionally with more feminine clothes, underwear and make up….feeling sometimes amused and sometimes utterly ridiculous. Yet, the seed had been sawn and, even without my cooperation, it started reclaiming my attention, as well as its right to grow, to exist, to come to maturity…. So? So what now??? It was a seminar I went to at Christmas that, finally, made a real impact on me. There, together with the women who had taken part in it, I dressed up, made up my face, set my hair, wrapped up in colorful scarves, meditated, performed women rituals …and danced, danced and danced, celebrating femininity and sensuality: mine, thoroughly enjoying every moment of it. Of course, not everything was easy, there were times when I run away from confronting myself and from my pain, when I felt truly horrible, exposed, naked to the bone, vulnerable, lost and angry with myself for having allowed things to go so far in my life, for having allowed this loss, this sacrifice, this amputation! It took me a few days - well past the end of the seminar - to realize that it was precisely this anger, joint to the experience of fun and softness that my rediscovered femininity had given me in the seminar’s days, which acted as a strong catalyst for change. The changes may be imperceptible, tiny, and I like it to belike this: I call myself, the woman hidden deeply inside of my being, and tell her softly that she can come out from her hiding and prison, that she is not expected to be like a star, but that she is welcome to be herself, to celebrate her body, her heart, her full self, to discover her beauty, whatever that means, with patience and kindness. I tell her that she has the right to reclaim her existence as a woman in this world as well as her femininity, as an essential ingredient of her spiritual dimension. No longer scared of or sorry for him, I have announced to my ‘house-husband’ that I am leaving: and I know with the whole of myself that this is happening, because I am more free in my heart and mind. Now I look forward to any initiative for women that the school of the two enlightened Teachers organizes: if with one seminar the damaged caused in so many years has begun to be healed, with just a little bit more effort, perseverance and courage, and the help of my spiritual guides, I am now certain that I can finally free myself from the bondages of years and years of captivity. With this in mind, I have welcomed with immense joy the announcement of the next seminar - this time international - for women, which will be held in Montenegro at the end of February. I have already changed my work plans and started to prepare myself for this event. I know that I am only one step away from becoming the woman I should have always been; I know that it is time that the ‘ugly duckling’ is transformed into a swan able to fly. I know, also, that there I shall meat many women: some who, like me, are still searching and others who have already regained their feminine expression and are, now, happy and fulfilled both spiritually and emotionally, having met the partner they deserved, their ideal… After so many years of going from one, so called, ‘spiritual school’ to another, I know that I have now come to the only place where I can become ‘who I am’ and ‘who I was always meant to be’. It is already happening….. *** The event I would like to tell you about took place seven years ago in Kurgan, a big industrial city in Ural. The local volunteers organized an Astral planetary Karate seminar and my assistant and I arrived there to run it. But my story started a while before that. I find it difficult to pinpoint when exactly my soul started searching for Knowledge. To be more precise it was when the years of suffering and searching for the meaning of life became a conscious necessity to oppose the meaninglessness of human life with a reasonable explanation. My search for spiritual guidance brought me to Altai where I had obtained Knowledge. The search for true Knowledge had never been easy, and at those Soviet times it was not just hard, it was also dangerous. Being unaffected in its fundamental nature Knowledge would always come to people of different times and epochs under different names. To me the Knowledge opened up during the autumn days amongst the apexes of Altaian Mountains in a way and form of Astral Karate – one of the most ancient and powerful spiritual schools, the historical roots of which go deep into ancient Egypt, epoch of Maya, losing its track in mysterious Atlantis. Being a forerunner of many spiritual traditions which came later the school of astral Karate teaches to control your own energy and the energies of the Universe, directing them to work for the good cause, protecting from danger and harm, giving power to achieve genuine benefits in spiritual and material worlds. Trying to live my life on the peck of human abilities, I never searched for a quiet and protected life, which is why my lot is full of unpredictable and sometimes risky situations. Astral planetary Karate at times literally saved my life as it happened then in Ural. At that time, I had not only accomplished some success in the arts of energy manipulation but also, with the blessing of my Teacher, started teaching it to others. *** The first thing went wrong when we just arrived. At the terminal we were told that there is no venue to run the seminar. At the very last moment the organizers of the seminar were declined the venue and now we urgently had to look for another one. Because the seminar was supposed to start in a couple of hours we decided to run it at one of the organizer’s place. She had a three bedroom flat in the center of the city – which was quite a luxury at those times. Some thirty of maybe forty people turned up to the workshop. The flat was packed with people but I was used to adapting to any conditions so the workshop was running according to plan. At first we did some warming up exercises, prepared our bodies, mind and emotions to receive Knowledge and get to deeper practices. Then I gave them a lecture about different kinds of sansa - energetic influences and means of protections from those influences. When I was talking the room we gathered in was extremely silent. All contacts could be divided into positive and negative. The first ones give you a state of peace, power, confidence, harmony, stability and joy. If the objects of those contacts are permanent, their state and influence on us do not change with time, for instance: Guru, spiritual Egregor, Higher Cosmic powers, which we call God and nature. The second create in us a state of worry, anxiety, anger, fear and other similar feelings. Those are the main influences of our everyday living in the society which has no spirituality as a main way of living. In sansa–contacts there is always a domineering part, the part which possesses more energy or higher frequency of vibration. It dictates behaviour in the first instance and in the second – the category of feelings and thoughts. The material presented in the workshop was vast and complicated, but people were absorbing the Knowledge with great hunger, refusing even to take a lunch break. So I was continuing: - Negative sansa–contacts are the reason of energy loss, disbalance of the energy field, which in its turn results in diseases, neurosis and other negative states; and most importantly – in dependency especially for people who are incapable of defending themselves against those contacts. After finishing the lecture I went to the corridor to discuss some organizational matters with the hostess of the flat. At the same time my assistant was exercising with people the breathing kata – a very effective exercise to fill up the personal energy field with energy and to cleanse the aura from negative deposits of energy. We just started the conversation when we heard a noise and swearing outside the door. The woman became pale in face. In a moment the door opened up and a big unshaved man pushed himself through the door entrance continuing swearing. The man was quite drunk and looked more like an aggressive beast then a human. He was our hostess’s partner who came home unexpectedly and at the wrong time. Seeing me, a strange man in his girlfriend’s house made him furious, he lost it completely, pulled out a knife and started walking towards me. Time is the most inconceivable thing in the world. From that moment on all events were happening in the blitz of the moment, but in my memory they could spread through a few hours. The motion of time slowed down and each little detail of the event got clearly imprinted in my memory. I even managed to check out the tattoos on his huge fists – they looked like prison work. The thought rushed through my mind: “This one could kill easily”. But responsibility for the people who were in the adjacent room did not allow fear to take over. No one needs to get hurt. The decision came to my head at the same very second. I’d chosen the highest way of protection – prayer for my enemy. I saw the face of my Teacher, opened up my heart to the highest power and started praying. The hostess of the flat for a few short moments still tried to hold this furious man up, but those brief moments were enough for the change of space around us to take place. The space became thick and filled with vibration of an enormous power. And this field affected my enemy in an amazing way. He stopped half way as if he got paralysed and froze like a monument a couple of meters away from me with his knife raised in the air. I was continuing praying. Everything was still ambivalent. Any moment the thought would enter the space of inner silence, the power of the prayer would get weaker and the protective field which was holding the man up would become of lesser density. He would start moving towards me straight away in a slow motion. When I would get deeper into the state of prayer, he would freeze up again. A few minutes had passed like that or it could have been a few centuries. The man’s eyes – meaningless and blood-spattered from anger started slowly brightening up, his drunken haze lifting. “What are you doing to me?” – With these words he dropped the knife, his legs gave up, and he fell on his knees and started weeping. His girlfriend quickly picked up the knife and hid it away. Being in telepathic contact with my Teacher, I silently asked him a question, and he answered me that the danger is over. The man wept for a while, becoming more and more sober and clearer in his mind. And then at a certain moment he looked at me with his eyes being absolutely clear and I saw an intelligent man, who’d been through a lot in his life. I had helped him to get up and we went together to the kitchen. There we struck a conversation. The man, his name was Vadim, told me about his hard life; how his mother and he were struggling, how he grow up without a father, having no fatherly guidance in his life, how he got imprisoned. After being released from prison, he got fortunate the first time in his life – he met this wonderful woman, who understood him, but not knowing a proper way of relationship, he tormented her and himself with jealousy.
I told him who I was, where I came from and what I did; told him about this unique method of protection which I used. He turned out to be a very intelligent and refined person. With great interest he was absorbing everything I was telling him. I realized then that this person was also destined to be guided by Knowledge. The next day he joined our group and bought all the books which I brought with me. We hardly ever met since, my path led me further on – far away from my cold motherland, but I know that this man is now running Astral planetary Karate workshops in his home town. The ways by which God brings us to Knowledge are inconceivable, but the main thing is to open up our hearts. Knock and it will open up for you! *** NAMO SOTIDANANDANA PARAM ANANDA SVASTI “Our marriage walked to the edge. Every moment ready to fall and crash. Our 3years old son was the witness of this everyday silent or shouted war between us. -Where is your love? - I asked loudly. -What happened with your smile?- He shouted. Killing each other every single moment. Suddenly it was suffering being together. How this happened? What cause all this misery and hate? Nobody gave us the right answer. The word divorce, like a black big shadow appears from every corner. Depression and migraine, started to be my pal-friends. Forgot my look, my body, my dress and looking more like a 30 years old grandma. He find way out drinking and brought back his heavy past demons. Our child becomes angry and violent. One strong invisible chain tortured us, taking the air from our chest every day little by little. We were falling down. Taking with as and our son. We become so ugly. The same devil inside us. He came full with enthusiasm one day announcing he would go for a seminar to the Universe of Happiness. - Tutors and Teacher has the answer for our misery and can bring our love between us and inside us again. – he was shining. I was totally indifferent. - Oh, go where ever you want. - was my answer. After seven days one man knocked the door. He looked like my husband but his eyes were calm and hot, his arms open for a big hug and his hart could put the entire world inside and give love, support and power. Next day I was already started lessons. Went for seminars, workshops and become one of the Goddesses of the School. Tutors full of patience and creativity learned us: Who we are? What magic power has a woman inside her? How can man be successful and strong? What is family harmony? What is LOVE. Today, ten months later, we are singing: We are happy, loving, spiritual family. We are TOGETHER.” NAMASTE
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